For Now

Just got home from dinner with mom. She leaves tomorrow to go to California for the rest of the month and from there she'll be off to Viet Nam for a couples months. She'll be doing some mission work and visiting parts of the country my parents didn't get to their last trip. You'd think it was just another normal dinner out but it wasn't.

The trip this year for her is a big event. It's not like she hasn't gone to Viet Nam before. The biggest difference is that she'll be going alone. I mentioned in my last post that I recently lost my father. Most of you know me IRL or on Twitter so you know that recently means last month. It's been tough. Some days are up, some days are down. Today was definitely a down.

We sat down to dinner and not a minute into looking at the menu my mom was crying. For a week or so she had been all right, chugging through the days getting ready for her trip. I think at dinner she finally had a moment to sit and think and it finally dawned on her that she'd be taking this trip on her own. It took everything I had not to start crying at the restaurant with her.

I've been trying to stay strong since my dad passed away mostly because I know if I break down she'll break down. I've managed to compartmentalize my feelings (like I do oh so well) and put it on the back burner to keep my mom sane and going. It's not a bother to me but I know one day I'll be somewhere in public and I'll just start crying for what seems to be no apparent reason. Attractive, I know. But, for now, that's the status quo.

I'm sure once my mom leaves and I have the house to myself I'll have the time to sit down and reflect I'll be able to begin coping with the passing of my father. I've got a lot of distractions to help me keep going though. My first summer class ends this Thursday. I have the next week off but this weekend I'm celebrating my birthday and then next week I'm off to join my mom in California for a couple days. I'm looking forward to seeing my Grandma and hopefully will get a chance to see some old college friends. Then once I get back it's back to school and then starting a new job. Maybe I won't have any time....

As for NaBloPoMo, I knew I wouldn't be able to do one post per day. I'm okay with that. At least I'm actually updating. Baby steps...

Asian Out

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A Mess

Well, I missed Wednesday by ____ that much. It's okay though. Like I said in my last post I'm only going to loosely follow the rules for NaBloPoMo this month as a means to me getting this thing back up and running. I really don't know what I want to accomplish with this blog. I think right now I'll be using it as an open journal to try and put some of my thoughts out there and try make sense of what's going on in my mind. It's cheaper than therapy....

Needless to say my life is a mess. I should clarify. My life isn't that much of a mess. I have a plan and a goal and I'm working towards it. Things aren't perfect but they never are. I guess the real mess is in my head and my heart.

My mind is usually a jumble of thoughts and emotions but somewhat organized enough where if I really needed to I could find things in their designated area. With all the stuff that's happened in the recent past (not just my father) it's like a tornado came through and mixed everything together while simultaneously dumping more stuff. What at one point could have passed for a semi-coherent space has become chaos with glimpses of sanity.

I'm probably blowing that way out of proportion. I can still function as a human being. I just need to really concentrate on what I'm doing now. I find when I don't have something to do my mind wanders which I suppose is normal for me. Some of the thoughts have gone a bit deeper recently. I wonder if the choices I've made have been the right ones and whether or not I've learned from the wrong ones. There are things that are outside of my control but still seem within my power. That makes no sense but it's what's going on in my head.

To say I'm a mess emotionally would be accurate. I've decided that dating right now would not be in anyone's best interest, as much as I miss the companionship (no, not that kind of companionship). My last girlfriend helped me figure out that I needed to do some soul searching. I never got around to doing that but I think it's getting to the point where I need to, I'm just not sure where to start. With everything that's going to happen in the near future I hope I have time and energy to do it.

So far a lot of the soul searching has started while driving in the car. It's my me time. Rolling down the highway with my windows down and the music blaring I try to think of where I'm going (literally and metaphorically). A lot of my thoughts are relative to what I'm singing along to. Music has always played a critical role in my life. I just wish I could find something that will open up my mind and not pull me into one subset of my emotions. Perhaps I'm in need of some new music that I don't associate with particular people or events. Who knows.

Please, don't read this and think of it as a cry for help. I know I'm reluctant to ask for it when I need it but you'll have to trust me to figure this out for myself. I know I don't have to do this alone but I need to get to the point where I can ask for help. I'm hoping that putting my thoughts in writing my help. We'll see if does.

Until next time.


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NaBloPoMo Take 2?

Looks like I might have failed as a blogger yet again. I don't know how you people do this all the time and keep up with it. I can't seem to get myself into any kind of schedule or writing mode. It's a good thing I never paid for an actual site/web hosting or else I'd be out some money instead of just my pride.

With June comes a new NaBloPoMo challenge and reading Twitter today I saw that a bunch of Yinz Team will be participating in the challenge once again. I'm not quite sure I'll be up for one new blog post every day of this month but I promise to try and update at LEAST once a week. Baby steps.

Anyway, it's now been seven (SEVEN?!) months since I last posted on this blog. I don't know where the time went or what I did with it but a lot of stuff has happened. I'm sure I could go back and give a lot of posts about what's happened in the past seven months (and I know I will once NaBloPoMo is done) but the theme for the June NaBloPoMo is "Now". What's happened since my last post is definitely not "Now" although much of it does affect now. It kind of leaves me at a loss as to what I should do. I think I'll start off with a video I just watched that was retweeted on Twitter by @deuscain. Not going to lie, I teared up a bit during this one.

Leave Me from Daros Films on Vimeo.

There's a few reasons why this hit close to home for me. I recently lost my father who was always behind the camera. I inherited his camera before he passed away but this still kind of hit home since I'm picking up his knack for taking pictures and hardly being in them. The other, bigger reason, is the kind of love that's portrayed. This one is two fold because it makes me wonder what kind of loss and pain my mom is actually going through and how strong she is for keeping her composure as well as she does. The other part plays on my hopeless romantic side which wants a love like that and the fear of loss after having and losing such a love. I know it's all in my head right now and dating/love is definitely something I'm not currently pursuing but it's something that's always in the back of my mind.

Anyway, that's what's going on in my messed up head right now. What should come next is some time with my digital photo imaging book so I can be prepared for class tomorrow. I don't really see that happening. Instead, I'll probably watch some TV and putz around on Twitter before I head to bed "early". Had some trouble sleeping last night and need to catch up on some zzz's.

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NaBloPoMo ReCap

Well, the clock has reached past midnight on yet another day and has brought along with it December. NaBloPoMo is officially over and I have failed yet another thing in my life. If this challenge wasn't a Pass/Fail kind of thing I think I would have scored a good B+ but 30 days and 30 posts did not happen for me. I knew it would be challenging but I didn't realize how hard it would be for me to come up with something new to write about everyday. Kudos to those of you bloggers who do this all year round. You are much more creative and organized than I am.

Now that this is over I'm not sure what kind of schedule I will keep for this. I might go back to two times a week but I'm afraid that if I do this will end like every other blog I've tried to keep up with. Upping the ante to three or even four times a week might not be a bad idea as long as I can keep up with content. It might turn into a blog when I have something to talk about and remember to talk about. Only time will tell.

With December here now things are going to get busy again. Christmas is yet another time filled with traditions and events to fill up my schedule. I'm very excited for the upcoming Christmas Concert performance by the Heinz Chapel Choir (the group I sang with in college). Every year it seems Christmas creeps earlier and earlier into the year. For me Christmas isn't here until I hear the first note of that concert ringing through Heinz Chapel. That's when I know it's Christmas time. It sends shivers down my spine every time and I don't know what I'll do if/when I won't be able to make it to one of those concerts. Hopefully that won't be for a long, long time.

I must say that this year might be a sad Christmas for me, at least gift wise. Being unemployed for nearly a year (UGH) has really taken a toll on the bank account and I'm sad to say I won't be able to give gifts to anyone this year. At least last year I had already had some Christmas shopping done before I had been laid off. With almost all of my unemployment check going to bills the underside of the tree will be pretty sparse. For those of you who are close to me I'm asking you not to get me anything for Christmas because it wouldn't be right of me to receive them. If you insist on giving something then help Stuff a Bus or help the kids get a play room. They deserve a non-reciprocated gift more than I do.

And with that we say goodbye to November and NaBloPoMo. At least until next year.

Asian out

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What Day is Today?

No, seriously... What day is today?

It seems like with the holidays coming around, friends and family in town, and new developments in all aspects of my life the days are blurring together. It's not necessarily a bad thing, especially those new developments, but things seem to be falling off of my radar lately, some of them important. I really need to setup some kind of system to keep up with everything and stick to it. I've tried using Google Calendar, Google Sync and my BlackBerry but things always seem to get screwed up and I end up with doubles and triples of events on my calendar.

I know there are tons of other things out there for To-Do and organization tools but I'm not sure if I'm quite ready for any of those. Do you have a favorite tool you use to keep track of your everyday (and not so everyday) tasks and to do? Shoot me a comment with your suggestions.

Asian out

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